Holding My Children with Open Hands

My little guy wasn’t feeling well yesterday after his nap.  He just felt “off” as he does at times when he first wakes up. He was a bit more demanding for me to spend exclusive time with him, just to sit with him. I had so much to get done especially with the neediness of my 1 year old.  I appeased him with some frequent times on the couch with him in between bouts of getting up to retrieve things or to clean up. It wasn’t until evening I realized the extent of his illness when the fever began and he looked miserable and beaten down. I then became more involved in his care and comfort.  I felt guilty of not taking it as serious earlier and just meeting the simple request to sit.  Just sit next to him.  Why is it so difficult as a mother to do this?

As I took him to bed that night, he was too weak to even get up so I carried him.  I laid with him for a while, prayed over him, and stroked his hair back from his hot forehead.  He could barely keep his eyes open when I asked, “is there anything I can do for you, buddy?” He quietly replied, “Just pray.”  Oh how those words broke me and I wept. Hearing this from such a young child made me see him as God’s – not mine.  The way he spoke held this understanding sense of his own mortality. I immediately began to fear that God would take him from me.  I did pray -  hard – for his healing, for my peace in holding him with an open hand, for God to do with his child as He has intended.  With brokenness I remained with him until he fell asleep.

In the book of 1 Samuel, Hannah had cried out for a child and promised to give him up to God’s purposes if she would be so blessed as to conceive, and give birth to a child.  God fulfilled her desire.  Some experts say Samuel could have been as young as four years old when he was weaned and, as promised, presented and passed over to God’s temple.

My Samuel turned four two days ago. 

I felt God reminding me again in this moment that this child was not my own.  How can a mother’s heart wrap around that thought of letting go of my hold on my son?  It will be a constant struggle and lesson, as I will be reminded often of my role as a mother…to raise my children up to serve Christ and humanity for God’s glory.  There may be some deathly scary moments ahead and I must release them now into God’s hands and know His plan for my child’s life will far exceed anything that I could conjure up for him.  And what control do I truly have.  I serve by raising them now with love and discipline under the wing of my Savior.

Samuel is well today -praise the Lord.  Eternity still falls heavy on my heart though.  Will I ever stop worrying about my children?  No.

We trust. We pray. We must remind ourselves that though we raise them, God has the final say in their life. This should not come as a fearful thought, however, but as comfort that HE has their BEST interest for His Kingdom in mind and His plan is perfect.

 I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him. So now I give him to the LORD. For his whole life he will be given over to the LORD." And he worshiped the LORD there. 1 Samuel 1:27-28

His Grace is and will be sufficient in the meantime for us mothers.