Finding JOY in where I am

One thing I always take away from other blogs is that we ALL struggle in some things and flourish in others.  God has placed us in different situations with different trials and successes.  We need to quit trying to compare ourselves to everyone!  The wonder woman who does it all… spiritually training and homeschooling her 7 children, canning her own vegetables, making three home cooked healthy meals a day (that all the children eat happily), having a clean and efficient household, running marathons with six pack abs, looks put together at all times, being the jewel of her husbands eye and leading three bibles studies at church.  She doesn’t exist…and if she does…I am utterly impressed and she should be applauded like the Proverbs 31 woman she is! Maybe some women can hold a candle to her, but lets be honest, we can easily put our impressive side forward on social media and make everyone else gasp in awe. Enter reality…we all have struggles…we sometimes don’t even get a shower in because the kids keep us on our toes all day...I know I'm not the only one.

Lets face it…I have seen what others have accomplished…been yearning and jealous of their success or talent.  I then am complimented on something that I have done or am doing, but because of my tunnel vision I fail to see it as a compliment because I am so enthralled with this other persons situation. I fail to find joy in the place where God had gifted me, placed me, and had used another to encourage that gift.  Forgive me Father when I have belittled a gift or situation that you found more fit for me than another that I wanted.  You know me better and know what is best for me!

Where God has placed you may constantly change. I always struggle with not doing “enough”. What enough is may change on a daily basis.  I feel like I have been just "surviving" for so long after the birth of my second born. I was expecting to have it all together (whatever that means) by now and able to balance and accomplish a million things while being wife and mom of the year.  The truth is…I cannot and then see myself as a failure.  Since I am an all or nothing kind of gal, I have to work hard at seeing little victories and giving them validity…like keeping the house in somewhat order and getting to exercise that day. Little victories of not having my 3 year old on the ipad watching Netflix for Kids all day but engaging him in play, learning, and conversation while keeping my baby girl from eating everything she finds off the floor, and just maybe getting part of a song written...sweet!  Sometimes I feel like I have so much to do on a daily basis and not have much to show for it?  Especially when the dreaded question comes... “So, what did you do today?” ...ugh...I know at one time the living room WAS clean, and the sink WAS empty…but, hey, the kids are happy and fed.  I find myself on repeat everyday and struggle to find those “new mercies” every morning.  But His word is true…and I will believe and rejoice in it!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;
    

great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    

“therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

The fact is, motherhood is not a glamorous job. I do find the little joys in my children all the time but I feel like there are moments of autopilot that I feel I end up at the same spot in the evening after running that hamster wheel.  Those moments of breakthrough I know do come. When my toddler finally catches himself before he disobeys for the 20^th time that day...when he has a bite of a vegetable that I had picked from the garden and prepared...when I get to cozy up on the couch with my husband and children and know it is all worth the work and struggle.  I am entrusted with a huge responsibility of little people’s lives…to train, enjoy, love on, and inspire.  How could I ask for a nobler task?

My path and circumstances continue to change and I will blink and time will pass and I will greatly miss this stage.  Lord may I be grateful for every minute of this chaos and joy!  We are all in our circumstances for a reason and God knows what we can handle and is overjoyed when we give it all over to Him to help us through…and what blessing will come!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“

  Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

    “Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!

"Great is Thy Faithfulness" by Thomas Chisholm

Birthdays and Blogs

I have visited numerous blogs and had always held this “in the back of my throat” yearning to do the same.  I consistently come back to the thought of ….who would read it?  What deep words of wisdom or poetry could capture ones attention to be worth typing?  But, alas, if it only remains as a conversation between God and I, so be it.  Its purpose is completed.  I have always loved writing/creating.  I mostly began with journaling and writing lyrics.  Many of my lyrics never found a song but those that have I feel very proud of and that makes me feel even more mournful over those lyrics that had never been returned to.  I feel as if I let a gift slip through my fingers or somehow devalue that which has been entrusted to my musical creativity.  I’ll dig into that some other time. 

So on to more of my life…

Today is my birthday.  I am recovering from a terrible virus that has plagued me for over a week, and I am at home with my two little ones, who are good kids, but active and needy, while my husband, trying to be compassionate and loving, works out of town all week several hours away.  I should be joyous for this day, but I find myself constantly battling my internal need to be bitter and grip tightly to this “woe is me” mentality.  I have no use for this...and it benefits no one.  I constantly try to turn it around and thank God for the gifts and little victories of my day.  Sickness has a way of taking away your patience and clear thinking.  I have snapped a few times…I have cried…several times, but I rest in the Peace that passes all understanding.  I trust in the ultimate Healer who can carry me and my burdens…and listen and comfort me in my short “help me, Lord” prayers.  I will get through this.  I find myself trying to look to the day when I will feel back to normal, my husband is at home, and we all are “happy”.  We are called to live in each moment, though, to praise our Father in good times and bad…for another “challenge” will always be around the corner. As followers of Christ we must anticipate this. So Father, thank you for this day!  Thank you for when my kids are sweet and behave…thank you when my three year old displays his faith and prays over his mommy’s “owie”…thank you for sleeping, restful children when I need one myself.  Thank you for little baby giggles. You meet my needs and I praise you for that! And with that I leave you with the words scribed by Horatio Spafford regarding his response to a tragedy so much greater than our own. It is well with my soul.

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
 When sorrows like sea billows roll;


Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, 
It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well, with my soul,
 It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
 Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
 And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
 My sin, not in part but the whole,
 Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
 Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
 If Jordan above me shall roll, 
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life 
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

     But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal; 
Oh, trump    

     of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! 
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

          And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
 The     

          trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
 Even so, it is well with my soul"