Time to reflect

It is time to reflect.  I feel forced, and rightfully so, to look back over the year…see my failures, my victories…and ultimately the abundant blessings that has befallen me in 2013. 

It is easy to see the unachieved goals - the jeans I still don’t fit into, the undone projects in the house, the clutter that I am aching to be rid of, and all those songs I have not worked on or recorded.  

Or it can be easy to look at the irritants – the potty training woes, the time I almost smoked out our entire house learning how to use the wood burner, the one millionth question in a row from a 3 year old who I think doesn’t even know what he is asking about anymore, the dogs as they just ate in two seconds the food you took 30 minutes to prepare perfectly for a picky eating boy…and the cries that follow, or a loving but very rough big brother who cannot stop himself from tripping, squishing, or just irritating his little sister (and mother) until she (and I) whines and cries.

But I look back and find those moments now funny and reflect on all the laughter in my house.  My squishy faced little Elsa that entertains me with her expressions and goofy dances, my thought provoking Samuel who seems to have a way with wording his sentences to crack me up almost constantly…until he tells me I smell like “boogers”, and my loving and giving husband who does way more than is expected and how he finds a way to make me laugh…a lot…mostly at the ridiculous things we say or do.

I have learned this year and continue to learn more about the blessings of motherhood.  They are wrapped up and intricately woven within the seemingly rough moments.  That is where the real joy of parenting lies.  Sam is going through a stage where finds every excuse possible to delay bed time.  I hear him cry from his room… "my hand hurts"… "my sippy cup is not full"… "I can’t find my blanket" (which he is lying on)… "my ankle hurts"…. "oh now my other ankle hurts".  As I attend to his 5^th cry of the evening (somewhat irritated that it cuts into my me time), I finally sit with him and talk and pray again and sing to him. He wanted his mother’s comfort and sometimes I just fail to see that simplest need- and I am blessed by this almost missed moment.  Forgive me Lord when my selfishness overcomes my noble task of loving on my kids.

I don’t tend to make resolutions but I am always looking to better myself, be more in the Word, more in prayer, focus more on my, and my family’s, health, etc.  But my biggest goal of next year is to LOVE people more…starting in my home and going beyond - To be more giving of myself and blessing others.  We have that perfect example of Love to follow! The pure and simple truth is that "God is LOVE" 1John 4:8

 May your 2014 be fruitful, full of growth, and full of blessings and love!

Here is love, vast as the ocean,
Lovingkindness as the flood,
When the Prince of Life, our Ransom,
Shed for us His precious blood.
Who His love will not remember?
Who can cease to sing His praise?
He can never be forgotten,
Throughout Heav’n’s eternal days.

On the mount of crucifixion,
Fountains opened deep and wide;
Through the floodgates of God’s mercy
Flowed a vast and gracious tide.
Grace and love, like mighty rivers,
Poured incessant from above,
And Heav’n’s peace and perfect justice
Kissed a guilty world in love.

Here is Love

William Rees

Worship Leader in Remission

I have been blessed with a great number of opportunities to lead others in worship in my life.  From main church services, college groups, summer and winter camp, retreats, bible studies, conferences, to small groups in my home, I have loved and enjoyed leading others with my guitar.  What I find, however, is that no matter how many times I have led, I still struggle with fear and anxiety and generally feeling unfit as a musician and leader.

It has been a long while since I have been called on to lead a church worship service and it is amazing how, as I was recently requested to lead, I immediately felt anxious and my focus was on me “not screwing up”.  The focus was on ME.  Since I had not had an impending service to lead in a while I lacked preparedness and felt out of shape as a leader, a guitarist and vocalist…and I mourn over that.  I turn and find myself relying on my own ability and strength until I get the stern but gracious reminder of the source and reason of what I am to do.  I am called to WORSHIP.

Forgive me Lord when my anxiety overcomes my view of how big you are!

Whether my voice cracks, string breaks, I miss a chord, or forget the words, He is on the throne and He WILL be worshiped…by ME!

Some of my greatest worship moments have been when I let go of my limited abilities and rely on His infinite power and simply….Glorify Him.

May I worship without the distraction of myself!

God reminds us time and time again in His Word how He uses the broken, the fearful, the stubborn, the afflicted, and the weak to do mighty things…for He is mighty to save!

The Lord your God is in your midst, 


a Mighty One who will save; 


He will rejoice over you with gladness; 
 

He will quiet you by his love; 


He will exult over you with loud singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Why do we doubt when He calls us to do the scary?  For if He calls us, He will carry us!

Thank you Lord for knowing me more than I know myself.  You have gifted me and directed me and no matter what…You will rejoice and sing over me.  How could I not offer the same to you?

O worship the King all-glorious above,

O gratefully sing His power and His love:

Our shield and defender, the Ancient of Days,

Pavilioned in splendor and girded with praise.

O measureless Might, ineffable Love,

While angels delight to worship above!

Thy mercies how tender, how firm to the end

Our Maker, Defender, Redeemer and Friend!

"O worship the King" by Robert Grant

The Goodness of God

I have been a Christ follower for almost 30 years.  I grew up in the church, surrounded by believers.  I have experienced growth in my faith, stagnancy, and have had some falls.  I hate to admit I have been in “maintenance mode” more than not.  The one thing I have always seen…God is faithful.  Even when I struggle through situations or feel overcome with worry or anxiousness, I know ultimately He is still in control. 

Recently I have been overwhelmed with fellow believers being stricken…cancer, loss of a child, illness, loss of a spouse, etc.  It seems as if in my mind a contagion is spreading and I sit and await a tragedy to befall me.  I get it stuck in my mind that for God to get a hold of me or show His glory through me our family must be in line for a life changing terrible occurrence.  If I am truly a Christian, I must be suffering to show the strength of my faith, for Satan attacks those who pose a threat, right?   Though we don’ t know the mind of the Lord and what He has in store for us, I was convicted recently that I indeed had a warped view of God.

Whether I acknowledge it or not, God is good, He will not change and He will always love me and want the best for me.  So, this came as no surprise after struggling with the issue of worry lately that He finally presented some lessons and study to get me straight.

We had just started reading “God as He longs for you to see Him” by Chip Ingram, and after really trying to come to grips with my fear of impending doom or expecting suffering for the cause of Christ.  I came across this quote from A.W. Tozer

“The goodness of God is that which disposes Him to be kind, cordial,

benevolent, and full of good will toward men.  He is tenderhearted

and of quick sympathy, and His unfailing attitude toward all moral

beings is open, frank, and friendly.  By His nature He is inclined to

bestow blessedness and He takes total pleasure in the

 happiness of His people. “

We don’t have to suffer to be near Him, to prove we are his people.  We are certainly not immune to tragedy, but He delights in our delight.  For ultimately He delights in us!  He knew us, created us, gave us life and loves us.  He doesn’t enjoy seeing us suffer.  When we draw near to Him, He doesn’t turn on us and afflict.  He comforts, He blesses…whether we face days of happiness, or days or sorrow.

“He who did not spare His own Son

but gave Him up for us all,

 how will He not also with Him

graciously give us all things?”

Romans 8:32

What timing God has when I need His Word most!  He knows my heart, my worries, and struggles.  He sacrificed His own son so that I may live…and live abundantly.  He will not guarantee we will not suffer, but His plan is divine and perfect.  He does promise to be near and take care of His children.  What do I have to fear?  I know who is in control and whatever lies around the corner; I know He will carry me.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Civilla D. Martin

Why should I feel discouraged, why should the shadows come,


Why should my heart be lonely, and long for heaven and home,


When Jesus is my portion? My constant friend is He:


His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me;


His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,


For His eye is on the sparrow,
And I know He watches me.



"Let not your heart be troubled," His tender word I hear

And resting on His goodness, I lose my doubts and fears

Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me




Whenever I am tempted, whenever clouds arise

When songs give place to sighing, when hope within me dies

I draw the closer to Him, from care He sets me free

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me

Finding JOY in where I am

One thing I always take away from other blogs is that we ALL struggle in some things and flourish in others.  God has placed us in different situations with different trials and successes.  We need to quit trying to compare ourselves to everyone!  The wonder woman who does it all… spiritually training and homeschooling her 7 children, canning her own vegetables, making three home cooked healthy meals a day (that all the children eat happily), having a clean and efficient household, running marathons with six pack abs, looks put together at all times, being the jewel of her husbands eye and leading three bibles studies at church.  She doesn’t exist…and if she does…I am utterly impressed and she should be applauded like the Proverbs 31 woman she is! Maybe some women can hold a candle to her, but lets be honest, we can easily put our impressive side forward on social media and make everyone else gasp in awe. Enter reality…we all have struggles…we sometimes don’t even get a shower in because the kids keep us on our toes all day...I know I'm not the only one.

Lets face it…I have seen what others have accomplished…been yearning and jealous of their success or talent.  I then am complimented on something that I have done or am doing, but because of my tunnel vision I fail to see it as a compliment because I am so enthralled with this other persons situation. I fail to find joy in the place where God had gifted me, placed me, and had used another to encourage that gift.  Forgive me Father when I have belittled a gift or situation that you found more fit for me than another that I wanted.  You know me better and know what is best for me!

Where God has placed you may constantly change. I always struggle with not doing “enough”. What enough is may change on a daily basis.  I feel like I have been just "surviving" for so long after the birth of my second born. I was expecting to have it all together (whatever that means) by now and able to balance and accomplish a million things while being wife and mom of the year.  The truth is…I cannot and then see myself as a failure.  Since I am an all or nothing kind of gal, I have to work hard at seeing little victories and giving them validity…like keeping the house in somewhat order and getting to exercise that day. Little victories of not having my 3 year old on the ipad watching Netflix for Kids all day but engaging him in play, learning, and conversation while keeping my baby girl from eating everything she finds off the floor, and just maybe getting part of a song written...sweet!  Sometimes I feel like I have so much to do on a daily basis and not have much to show for it?  Especially when the dreaded question comes... “So, what did you do today?” ...ugh...I know at one time the living room WAS clean, and the sink WAS empty…but, hey, the kids are happy and fed.  I find myself on repeat everyday and struggle to find those “new mercies” every morning.  But His word is true…and I will believe and rejoice in it!

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; 

His mercies never come to an end;

they are new every morning;
    

great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul,
    

“therefore I will hope in him.”

Lamentations 3:22-24

The fact is, motherhood is not a glamorous job. I do find the little joys in my children all the time but I feel like there are moments of autopilot that I feel I end up at the same spot in the evening after running that hamster wheel.  Those moments of breakthrough I know do come. When my toddler finally catches himself before he disobeys for the 20^th time that day...when he has a bite of a vegetable that I had picked from the garden and prepared...when I get to cozy up on the couch with my husband and children and know it is all worth the work and struggle.  I am entrusted with a huge responsibility of little people’s lives…to train, enjoy, love on, and inspire.  How could I ask for a nobler task?

My path and circumstances continue to change and I will blink and time will pass and I will greatly miss this stage.  Lord may I be grateful for every minute of this chaos and joy!  We are all in our circumstances for a reason and God knows what we can handle and is overjoyed when we give it all over to Him to help us through…and what blessing will come!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,

Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;

Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,

Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“

  Morning by morning new mercies I see;

All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—

    “Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!

"Great is Thy Faithfulness" by Thomas Chisholm

Birthdays and Blogs

I have visited numerous blogs and had always held this “in the back of my throat” yearning to do the same.  I consistently come back to the thought of ….who would read it?  What deep words of wisdom or poetry could capture ones attention to be worth typing?  But, alas, if it only remains as a conversation between God and I, so be it.  Its purpose is completed.  I have always loved writing/creating.  I mostly began with journaling and writing lyrics.  Many of my lyrics never found a song but those that have I feel very proud of and that makes me feel even more mournful over those lyrics that had never been returned to.  I feel as if I let a gift slip through my fingers or somehow devalue that which has been entrusted to my musical creativity.  I’ll dig into that some other time. 

So on to more of my life…

Today is my birthday.  I am recovering from a terrible virus that has plagued me for over a week, and I am at home with my two little ones, who are good kids, but active and needy, while my husband, trying to be compassionate and loving, works out of town all week several hours away.  I should be joyous for this day, but I find myself constantly battling my internal need to be bitter and grip tightly to this “woe is me” mentality.  I have no use for this...and it benefits no one.  I constantly try to turn it around and thank God for the gifts and little victories of my day.  Sickness has a way of taking away your patience and clear thinking.  I have snapped a few times…I have cried…several times, but I rest in the Peace that passes all understanding.  I trust in the ultimate Healer who can carry me and my burdens…and listen and comfort me in my short “help me, Lord” prayers.  I will get through this.  I find myself trying to look to the day when I will feel back to normal, my husband is at home, and we all are “happy”.  We are called to live in each moment, though, to praise our Father in good times and bad…for another “challenge” will always be around the corner. As followers of Christ we must anticipate this. So Father, thank you for this day!  Thank you for when my kids are sweet and behave…thank you when my three year old displays his faith and prays over his mommy’s “owie”…thank you for sleeping, restful children when I need one myself.  Thank you for little baby giggles. You meet my needs and I praise you for that! And with that I leave you with the words scribed by Horatio Spafford regarding his response to a tragedy so much greater than our own. It is well with my soul.

"When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
 When sorrows like sea billows roll;


Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say, 
It is well, it is well, with my soul

It is well, with my soul,
 It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
 Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
 And hath shed His own blood for my soul.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
 My sin, not in part but the whole,
 Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
 Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
 If Jordan above me shall roll, 
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life 
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.

     But, Lord, ’tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal; 
Oh, trump    

     of the angel! Oh, voice of the Lord! 
Blessed hope, blessed rest of my soul!

          And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
 The     

          trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
 Even so, it is well with my soul"